I really don’t think of myself as a clinger. I just had to set the right dynamic for this post I’m about to write. You see… I, Whitney, am a lover. And sometimes… that comes across the wrong way.
My entire life, well since I can remember at least, I have ‘needed’ a boy. Don’t ask me why, because I really don’t know. It’s just… how I’ve always been. When I was a teenager, I believed that was the only way I’d be fully happy- to have a boyfriend. When I was a young, single mother (still in the young and dumb phase) I thought that me ‘finding’ a man to marry me and be a father to my child was the only way he’d have a ‘normal’ life. After having my second child *and becoming a single mother of two tiny humans rather than just one* I lost all hope to ever have a ‘real’ family of my own. I have spent much time in this mindset: “once I finally meet the one, we will get married and our life will finally begin.” IS THAT NOT INSANITY?????!!!!!
Why yes, yes it is. See, that all changed a little over a year ago. I woke up one morning and was completely unsatisfied with my life. I was depressed, at my wit’s end as a single mother, heartbroken over a man who led me on for months and lived 500 miles away, and just completely washed up in my own misery. I opened my eyes one day and I was just SO FREAKING OVER IT. I decided to change, then and there. I quit smoking. I let the EFF go of that man I’d been holding onto for so long. I got out of bed and did stuff. I looked at my children and fell completely in love with them all over again. I started owning my life, instead of being the victim of it. I started enjoying my children and realized how valuable my time with them really is. I stopped focusing on all the stuff that was missing and being grateful for the amazing life that’s been given to me. My life is awesome. How did I get so lucky? My incredible family and my friends… I can’t even speak to how much love has been shown to me. So yeah, my life changed when I began to fall in love with it. Love, love LOVE.
In the past year, my heart has been transformed. After a few months of being in charge of my life, I realized something had changed. That need… that need for a man that I’d been feeling since I was a little girl… it wasn’t there anymore. I was perfectly content on my own, with my two beautiful children. I’ve read so many quotes and articles and motivational stories over the course of the past year, and there’s one common factor. Loving yourself. A million quotes about falling in love with yourself and how it changes you forever. Believe me, I can attest to it. To be blissfully happy alone is a big deal. It’s actually a HUGANTIC, GINORMOUS deal, and it happened to me. *happy tears*
Now….
All of the above is wonderful stuff. It’s just good stuff, man.
Here’s the little truth of it all, though. You’re still you. Even after a huge life change like that, you’re still you. I am still me. Although I quit looking for a man and lost all interest in dating, that doesn’t mean that men quit existing. It also doesn’t mean that I can avoid ever meeting any or getting involved with one. Being happy alone kind of started to feel like I had to protect myself… like I had to put on some armor that’d keep me from letting anyone close. To be honest, it paid off.
But life… oohhhh life. You silly goose, you. You can be as big and bad as you wanna be, but that doesn’t stop people from making their way in. Here comes that part where this gets a little weird.
When someone works their way into your life and becomes so important to you, how can you not care about them? I tried for months, but eventually, I couldn’t help myself any longer. When there’s a connection, a true, organic connection… you can only run from it for so long.
Romance in 2014 is a sad, sad story. At least it is in my opinion. You have to play hard to get to get someone to pursue you. You have to ignore them to keep them intrigued. You have to worry about texting and Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat and e-mail and God-forbid, the occasional ACTUAL phone call.
And even though they (you know, the men) clearly are having serious feelings for you, you can only reciprocate them to a certain extent. Otherwise, they’re running for the hills. You can’t allow that line to be crossed where you’re feelings are all out on the table. Once you’re that vulnerable, chances are…
And then that turns into this. Now it’s YOUR fault. You- the lover. You’ve gotten too involved. You’ve put yourself out there. You must’ve misread all of those signals that made you think that was okay. You silly girl.
Well, guess what??
I think a girl should be able to be into a guy and that be okay. I think it should be okay to behave just like the man does, and it be acceptable. Let’s face it, men and women are not the same. They never will be. I guess I just wanna say, it’s not fair that men are admired for being open and honest and vulnerable with their feelings, but women are pushed aside for it. Usually, labeled for it too.
So yeah, maybe the title of this post was a little sarcastic. I am not a clinger. I am someone who takes a long time to warm up to someone, but when I get on a certain level with someone, yeah, I expect things. And there it is. Expectation: the route of all heartache. Once expectation becomes a factor, I guess that’s the crossroads. That said, I wanna make some things clear.
*JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS FOR YOU DOES NOT MEAN I AM THINKING OF OUR UNBORN CHILDREN’S NAMES
*LOVING YOU DOESN’T MEAN I AM MAKING WEDDING PLANS
*BEING WITH ME DOESN’T MEAN WE ARE TOTALLY MOVING IN TOGETHER SOMEDAY AND THE REST IS RIGHT OUT OF A FAIRY TALE
*DATING ME DOESN’T MEAN THAT YOU GIVE UP YOUR OWN LIFE AND ALL OF THE THINGS THAT ARE YOURS, THAT YOU LOVE TO HAVE AND SEE AND DO.
*ME WANTING YOU WITH ME DOES NOT MEAN I AM DESPERATE FOR A RELATIONSHIP. BUT ISN'T THAT THE WHOLE POINT OF WANTING TO DATE ME... TO YOU KNOW... DATE?
*YOU ARE NOT PART OF MY LIFE-LONG PLAN TO FIND THE PERFECT MATE AND TO BE LOVED FOREVER. THIS JUST HAPPENED. WE MET. THERE'S NOTHING FANCY ABOUT IT.
Are you getting my point?
Things are misunderstood. As a woman, I feel misread. Hell, even as a friend I feel misread. Things are blown way out of proportion. And why? Because getting on this level with someone is such a bad thing? Sure, there’s always a chance (and a pretty good one, too) that things could end up bad. But that’s life. I just hope that someone along the line will respect me enough to realize that I’m just a normal human being that deserves more than second-rate attention or ignorance or flakey communication. And that I’m a grownup and I’m not playing games anymore. I’m way past that. Everyone wants to be loved, but not everyone will allow themselves to be as such. Sad, but true. Those points up above might be what you're thinking, but really it's as simple as this, nothing more... nothing less:
So friends, I’m not a clinger. I’m a lover. If I care, chances are you cared first, or at least at the same time. I didn’t get here all on my own. So, stop with that.
Okay, that was a little dramatic, but shit. Someone somewhere has to relate because this has happened to me twice now in the past 2 years. Or should I say, I’ve allowed this to happen twice. I'm just not allowing it anymore. And I am no longer apologizing for who I am. Why should it be like, "hey I really care about you, sorry," or "I think I might love you, don't get a speeding ticket."
I’ll end with this thought. I think falling in love is easy. It’s exciting and endearing and it’s a total rush. But what’s really hard to find, is someone you genuinely like. Someone you LIKE being around (at least) most of the time, someone you LIKE to do things with, someone you LIKE to laugh with, someone you LIKE talking to and going through things with. I think that’s what’s truly rare. Liking someone enough to have a substantial relation with them. And sometimes, the reality of it all is just that they just….don’t…like you. That’s the long and short of it.
At least I don’t miss out on the chances that my soul is touched. So thank you for doing that thing.... touching my soul.
Love always, The Stage 5 Clinger ;)
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