In light of all the talk of resolutions for the upcoming new year, I just had to reflect for a bit on 2015. It was not my favorite. And the feeling was probably mutual.
It started off with a death in my family. A year ago today we were just starting to accept the fact that my Uncle Chuck had been given days to live after a 7-year battle with cancer. So that's how we rang in the new year last year- with cancer. It's strange when I look back on things from that time, especially the weather and how it seemed to match the situation so perfectly. It was a bitter, grey cold that we hadn't felt in several years. Much colder than the typical Missouri winter. It seemed as each day passed, my uncle grew weaker, the sky grew darker, and the wind became more harsh. After all of that though, on the day we said goodbye to him, it was the bluest sky you'd ever seen. An unseasonably warm and sunshiny day. The family really came together though. He got to be surrounded by all of us, and we all got to be together in those last weeks, weeks I'm sure we will all cherish forever. That's how the year began though, losing Chuck. I lost an uncle, but what's more is my cousin lost his father, my dad lost his only sibling, my brother lost his hero, and my grandmother lost her baby boy. That's the only time in my entire life I've ever seen my grandmother cry. You all probably know her as Meem. That was honestly the hardest part. Even when you're 80, I think that losing a child still brings the same kind of pain.
I know this seems depressing so far, but I'm just speaking to the many reasons I am looking forward to 2016. It might be cliché to start new things on the first day of a new year, but I don't care. I'm doing it.
You see, along with that loss in our family at the beginning of this year, I feel like a lot of the remainder was spent failing myself and allowing myself to believe I am not good enough. I think we all probably have those feelings when we get to thinking really hard. The things we could have done so much better and the opportunities we wasted or missed. Sometimes, I let those things get the best of me. I definitely did in 2015.
I could write for hours about things I experienced, people I lost and gained, lessons I learned. But mainly, I want to dedicate 2016 to forgiving myself, letting go of all that's happened to me, and to finally allowing myself to become my best self.
It feels like I've been in a depressive trap for about seven years now, chained down by all my mistakes and poor decisions. I have spent an unspeakable amount of my time (and my children's time) looking back on how I could have done things differently and how life could have been so much "better" for us. It seems that each year I'm harder on myself, gaining more weight and losing more love and respect for myself. It is sick the things I say to myself in my mind.
I am not quite sure how it just clicks all of a sudden and you finally see how wrong you have been about yourself and your life, but that is what has happened. Maybe God has a special place for us extra stubborn ones. That's what it feels like. I have felt so unworthy of love for so many years, it has been a heck of a time to let God in and to show me that the opposite is true. I am finally starting to breathe. To let go and enjoy my life with my two beautiful and perfect children.
So, goodbye to self-hatred, and hello to self-love.
Goodbye to anger, and hello to patience.
Goodbye to unhealthy, toxic (and delicious haha) food, and hello to nourishment.
Goodbye to lazy downtime on the couch and hello to daily workouts.
Goodbye to desperation, and hello to contentment.
Goodbye to self-deprecation, and hello to affirmation through Christ.
Goodbye to self-consciousness, and hello to confidence.
Goodbye to men that treat me like I am nothing, and hello TO MYSELF.
Goodbye to heartbrokenness, and hello to joy.
Goodbye to fair-weather friends, and hello to my tiny circle.
Goodbye to yelling, and hello to gentleness.
Goodbye to meals in front of the television, and hello to family meals at the table.
Goodbye to giving up, and hello to pushing through the pain.
Goodbye to weight gain, and hello to health.
Goodbye to selfishness, and hello to generosity.
Goodbye to chaos, and hello to stability.
Goodbye to my precious resting B face, and hello to my smile.
Goodbye to tragedy, and hello to triumph.
Goodbye to my past, and hello to my future.
So there is my ode to 2015/2016. I think it's a safe bet to believe in this next year and all that it will bring for me and Waylon and Weston. With a tear in my eye, I imagine all that God has planned for us, and it starts with leaving 2015 and all its sadness behind. So whoever you are, reading this, thank you for your role in my life, even if you've caused damage, I have taken something from that. To Shawna, Brandi, and my momma, I'd never make it through without you. Thank you for loving me just the way I am. When I think of what the true picture of love looks like, I see three doors. (Haha this is gonna get REALLY real for a second.)
On door #1 there is a picture of Brandi's face. (OMG, crocodile tears right now) and behind that door is wisdom and reason. My true Anam Cara, my soul's counterpart. I love you. I can't even SPEAK to how you have impacted my life and the boys' as well. You are my calm, my comfort, my peace.
On door #2 is that Shawna girl. We have been through so much together, and this year was no exception to that. It was probably the biggest contributor to it actually :). You and I have something no one else can touch. Your heart cannot be tamed, and that is my favorite thing about you. You are always there. Every single day. No matter how crazy I am. You are crazy. I am crazy. But we are crazy together, and that is more important than I can even say. You just get me. In a way no one else does. When I open this door, there's a wild storm, but one of those rare beautiful ones.
And door #3, my mommy. Oh dear. How can you write about your mother? Just thank you, Mom for being my absolute solid foundation. It cannot be easy having me as a daughter, but you make it look that way. I promise, this year you will have so much to smile about. I LOVE YOU.
So, there it is. Apparently I needed to get some of this stuff off the ole' chest. Thank you all for reading this, your continuous love and support throughout this next year will NOT go unnoticed.
Much (oh, so much) love.
Oh, and you might want to prepare yourselves for all my posts on here and IG :)
-Whitney
