"I broke my own heart loving you."
After hours spent on Pinterest looking at quotes about letting go and moving on, there it was- the ugly truth summed up in 7 words.
I have been a single mother since I was 19 years old. Hard to believe, but that was almost 9 years ago. In that time, I've been in one serious relationship. One. That one relationship lasted 6 or 7 months, and it was terribly toxic. Thankfully, a couple years have passed since then and he moved far away from here. My point isn't to talk about that relationship, though. The case in point is that in the last 9 years, I've been single for all but that one 6 or 7 month period.
I wish I could say that all of the time I've spent 'alone' has taught me who I really am and that by not being in a relationship I have 'really found myself.' Here's the thing about that though, I've been single... but hardly been alone. *what does she mean??*
It means that the majority of the past decade, I've been in a situation where I am committed to a man that isn't committed to me.
Three completely different men, and three completely different kinds of heartache. They still have the same general outline though...
*picture this*
You meet. You're into each other. You talk. You meet again. You go on a date. You're into each other even more. Late nights on the phone for hours. You start spending time with each other. Lots of fun and lots of laughs. Just a genuine good thing and bla, bla, bla. Too bad it doesn't end there, 'cause feelings. The more time spent, the more an attachment develops. You're romantic with each other, you spend all your time talking with each other if you're not physically together. The next logical step would be to make this person your boyfriend or girlfriend... so you're in a relationship, right? WRONG....
The first guy, I didn't even love. Once I realized I didn't, though... I was already deep into an emotionally abusive relationship with a man 11 years older than me (I was just 21) who didn't even call me his girlfriend. This relationship sucked all the life out of me completely. I lost friends I'd had since grade school. I lost the dearest friend I ever had, in fact. I lost my morals. Worst of all though, I lost a part of myself, part of my soul that I will never get back. If we're being totally honest, I think I'll be recovering from it for the rest of my life. And I didn't even love the guy. In the end, I realized I had become totally reclusive. All because of that initial attachment and the belief that there was a possibility that something I could do could change this man. That, for some time at least, negated the obvious terrible signs and gut feelings to get the heck out. NO. NO. NO. Thankfully, this was only a year of my life and I could chalk some of it up to being a young, stupid kid. Still, it took a huge, life-changing event for me to realize how bad of a situation I was really in and how desperate I was to get out of it.
The second man (3 years later) lived 500 miles away. This was my 'movie fairy-tale' as we hit it off the instant we met and it just progressed from there very easily. In other words, I was blind from the start. To make a very long, silly story short, we engaged in a long-distance 'relationship' for almost 2 years, off and on. This was more of a letting-him-come-and-go-as-he-pleased type situation. We'd be in a serious relationship for a couple months, he'd disappear for a few weeks, then I'd be right there when he came back, believing all his reasons made complete sense. *ignoring the gut feelings again.* The last visit we had together, it surfaced that he was talking to other women on a dating site. Even just sitting right beside me. I'd believed his promises so easily. Why? Why would I believe that it was finally for real and for good this time? It was finally clear that I was just a warm body to him. He knew how much I cared for him and took complete advantage of the fact. But.... I let him. It took a bit to bounce back from this as it ended very dramatically, but after a couple months, I was better for it. I look back now and laugh at how much better off I am and how ridiculous it was to take it so seriously.
I moved on and actually started to enjoy being single. I enjoyed being alone. I was happy with it and happy to not be dealing with a man anymore. Then life decided to be like...
Now... the third. Oh, the third one. The last one. The current one. I won't bore you with all the details of the timeline of our *not* relationship. I will say that it was a little different this time. Okay... it was a lot different. We developed a great friendship before actually getting together. I wasn't eager to get involved with anyone because I was happier alone than I'd ever been in my life up until that point. Eventually though, I found that I genuinely loved this person. I cared for him in a way that I never had for anyone else. I loved him for who he was and for who he aspired to be. I was sad for his sadness and happy for his happiness. He intrigued me intellectually, and he started a fire in me when we'd discuss our dreams for the future. I truly admired him. He'd become my best friend. Although it started on the basis of him wanting a relationship, it didn't remain that way. He was very up front with me about not being ready to be all in with me, as he'd realized he still had some issues to work through with himself before having a serious girlfriend. I always appreciated his honesty. The kicker of this though was that even though we weren't together, we were. We still spent most of our time together. And it was everything a relationship is. The only thing that kept it from being one is him saying it wasn't. There ended up being a large amount of tension because I was so worried about 'what we were' that I couldn't even fully enjoy our time together. Comments from him in person and posts on the internet about him being a single guy really started to be painful for me. This was because behind closed doors, he was holding my hand and telling me he loved me. After several months of going through that circle, he finally made the decision to walk away. Not until then did I realize that I'd poured myself entirely into it. I literally thought this was the man I was going to marry. I could see our entire life together. For years and years to come. There was hardly a thing I did that I didn't wish he was there with me to share it. And that meant everything to me, so I put everything I had into it. Into him. What he needed from me became more important than what I needed for myself. Sleeping with his arms wrapped around me became more important than sleep itself. I found myself trying to think of fun things we could do together or places we could go because I was afraid that just doing nothing together wouldn't be good enough. Needless to say, I had lost myself and didn't even know it. Now I do. Because now, he's gone. And I'm still here. I feel an emptiness I've never known. And that's not because I gave it all away. It's because I gave it all away to someone who didn't want it. That is no one's fault but mine.
No matter how 'good' it was or how 'amazing' of a time we had together, none of these men wanted to be in a real relationship. They'd spend all the time building one, but when it came down to it... that's not what they wanted with me. They put all the effort in, and once they had me hook, line, and sinker... the fun was over over. It's just a catch and release thing. Only they won't fully release. They'd take all the love and support and affection and physical attention from me, sure. (And that's just how I am in a relationship... in short, very devoted.) But when I need the same things in return, I'm without. We're not an official couple though, so I don't really have the right to expect them to be there for me, right? The more and more let down I am, the more I lose sight of myself.
And that is why I'm writing this. It's not to bash on men. It's not to say that all men are assholes. It's not to say that I didn't do anything to deserve being treated that way. It's quite on the contrary, actually. It's to say this:
YOU MUST NOT LOSE YOURSELF LOVING ANOTHER PERSON. IT WILL BREAK YOUR HEART. YOU WILL BREAK YOUR OWN HEART.
You think that by compromising with this person and being supportive of them whole-heartedly that it will make everything better, but after a certain amount of time passes you realize that you're only putting yourself on the backburner. You realize that you're pulling double duty because you're taking care of this person and simultaneously trying to care for yourself. Difference is you're giving both ways, and he's only taking. You start to believe you have to show them how wonderful you are and prove all their fears to be wrong. You will be the one to change their way of thinking. You'll be the one to save them, to complete the puzzle of their life. NO. Just...no. You are only putting yourself more and more in the background of the picture that is your life. The more you try to be what he wants you to be, the more you lose. And how can you expect anyone to love you for you if you don't? *oh, that old chestnut*
Seriously though, it is what I've done. Today I realize that it's happened more than once (kind of.) It's a hard thing to realize about yourself. I still believe in love, but good lord, at what cost? The cycle has to break. I'd absolutely HATE for anyone I know to feel the things I've felt as a result to letting this happen.
I had a sort of epiphany yesterday during the service at my church. The current series was about marriage/love/sex, and the message was about ways to keep 'the spark' (for lack of a non-cliché term) and/or how to get it back. Why was this sad for me? It was finally clear that I did all of these things. I did all of the things I was supposed to in a relationship, even though I've never been married. These were the three points of what my pastor spoke.
1. Face to Face time together. Intimate, 1-on-1 time spent with your person. Time spent sharing, talking, thinking, and expressing your love to each other. I kind of think of it as soul time.
2. Side by Side time together. Doing things alongside each other that you enjoy. Getting into each others' interests. Showing appreciation for the things that your partner is passionate about and caring enough to experience some of these things together. Having fun with each other doing these things.
3. Belly to Belly time together. (Yes, that was truly the 3rd point of the message.) And we all know what it refers to.
I sat there in tears through the majority of the words he spoke, flashing back to my most recent endeavor of loving someone. Thinking, "I did that... and that... and that...and I did them well. So why did it still go wrong?" It's as simple as my mother put it when I voiced these thoughts on our way home:
"That only works when the other person is doing the same thing you are."
Touché. It has to be a partnership. It's not an ownership or a dictatorship. It's 50/50. There's no other way. It's give and take. And love isn't just feelings. It's actions. It's caring. It's presence. It's concern. It's compassion. It's trust. It's loyalty. It's friendship. It's affection. Without these things, it will never work.
So if you're not on the receiving end of any of that, why are you putting your whole heart and soul into this person? They have proven that they have no interest in doing the same thing for you, so what are you doing? You're breaking your own heart. I'm guilty of it, and the result is being completely broken.
It is not pretty. And the older I get, the worse it gets. The deeper it gets. And the harder it is to get over. Take it from someone who is just now getting off the couch after 4 weeks that are a total blur. You'll feel like you're barely alive. Like it hurts just to breathe. Like getting through a single day is the hardest thing, and you keep repeating it every morning when you wake. You shouldn't feel like nothing just because the person that you've grown so used to being beside you isn't there anymore. You should still feel like you. A hurt you, yes, but still you. A you that can heal in time. Not one that will feel this shattered, this destroyed, forever. That is what putting the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket will do to you.
So please, don't break your own heart. No other person is worth it. You are worth so much more.
I'm not saying there haven't been silver linings to these situations I've put myself in, because there have been.
You know what I got from that first guy? My youngest son.
You know what I got from the second? Some of the best music I've heard, period.
And what did I gain from the third? I'm still in the trenches when it comes to healing, so I'm not sure of how to answer that. It doesn't make sense yet. However, I can say that I now know what it feels like to love a person, truly love a person rather than the idea of them. Rather than the idea of a relationship. Rather than the idea of just love. I have new wisdom now. Just to be able to write this is proof of that. I now have some motivation to be my best self also.
But I still wouldn't wish the things I've gone through on my worst enemy. So quit while you're ahead. Please.
If you find yourself in this situation, my quick advice would be to run. It's not that easy though, is it? It's hard to say goodbye, but chances are you probably need to. Don't be scared to go for what you really want. Don't accept less than what you deserve, less than your heart's true longing, just because you're scared of losing someone. You're going to lose people your entire life. Just make sure that person you're losing isn't YOURSELF. It's going to hurt to see them go, but it's SO much better than the alternative. Time will allow you to move on, eventually, but you have to live with yourself FOREVER. So think about that. Then one day, someone will do everything they can to keep you. For good. One day you won't have to prove your worth to someone. They'll see it all on their own. You won't have to wonder if you're not pretty enough to them. You'll never have to wonder if you don't make enough money. You'll never have to wonder if the true essence of who you are is good enough for them. You'll never have to question their feelings for you. They will show you what love really looks like, and it will all make sense.
KEEP YOURSELF. That is the most important thing. I promise.
